A Wake-Up Call

It was one of those moments that I remember every once in a while and it still gives me a knot in my stomach.

It was about 1997 and I was driving home from the community college I was attending in Jacksonville, Florida when I turned onto a busy highway. Next thing I knew, a truck with a very angry man driving was motioning for me to put my window down. He proceeded to yell at me as his wife sat in the passenger seat, avoiding eye contact.
"Wake your a@$ up! You ran me off the road back there!!!" I apologized profusely (as he continued to berate me), rolled my window up and cried all the way home, part embarrassed, part shocked.

I had no idea I'd cut him off.



I am a careful driver, never aggressive. I've never intentionally cut someone off or run them off the road! Had my wind been wandering?? Had he been in my blind spot?? Had I glanced at the on-coming traffic and just not seen him??

I look back at my life almost three years ago and how God started shining His light into my darkest places.

Before that, I spent a lot (A LOT) of time obsessing about what people thought about me. I mentally re-played past conversations and rehearsed future conversations. I ran possible future scenarios through my mind (which some may call "worry"). When things got tough, I absorbed myself in fixing my friends' problems, entertainment, fiction writing or anything else I could to not face what was really bothering me. I was great at running away from reality. I kissed a lot of boys but never had a boyfriend. Why? To stay in control and keep everyone at a distance. I played the part of the "nice girl" but was screaming on the inside.

When my friends and I took a psychology class in high school and heard about "repressing" memories and emotions, we actually joked about how much we did it. "Oooo, I'll definitely be repressing THAT one!" Ha, ha, haa....a-hem. Not funny.



I didn't really know myself. I wasn't confronting my emotions. I went through life following protocol and trying not to upset anyone. And I wondered why my stomach was always in knots and why my hands and feet were outrageously sweaty all the time.

Three years ago, I started a very slow waking-up process. What should have been a cut and dry miscarriage turned into a spiritual crisis and a major turning point in my life. Unexplainable fear and anxiety became a way of life. I didn't feel like myself anymore. At first it was because I felt anxious and fearful. Eventually, even once the anxiety had passed and I felt better, I just felt like I was on sensory overload, or like I was extra-sensitive to EVERYthing. I couldn't turn my mind off and looked for the spiritual in every moment of every day. Getting over my fear and anxiety became my obsession. It was all I thought about.

God was taking up residence in every part of my life. He was leaving no stone unturned. No more repression, no more denial. Changing my mind . Facing the truth.

There were times that I wished I could have turned it off. Can't I go one day without a spiritual revelation?? Can I just go to Target or take a shower without feeling like God is trying to teach me something??

I'd say something like, "I just want to feel like my old self again," and I'd be reminded that I didn't really WANT to ever go back to feeling like my old self. My old self believed lies. My old self was a people-pleaser. My old self obsessed and had "theories" and was an opinionated, insecure jerk sometimes.

One of my major turning points was realizing that by obsessing over how to overcome fear and anxiety, I was still focusing on fear and anxiety. So I started focusing on joy, peace, freedom and happiness instead. I obsessively focused on the grace, goodness and kindness of God. Instead of reading scripture about persecution, trials and fear, I read stories of redemption, power and healing. I started focusing more on gratitude.



And suddenly, I started feeling better, too. I was sweaty less and my stomach steadied. Amazing.

Looking back, I probably was lost in my own thoughts that day as I pulled into traffic and cut that guy off. I really did need to WAKE UP.



Being awake means feeling more, making more mistakes and reprioritizing your life even if it makes some people unhappy. It also means living in the moment. And I wouldn't trade that for anything.

1,000 Gifts: #113-122

Besides watching the nightly news, nothing threatens my peace more than sickness--especially stomach troubles.

The night after my hubby's birthday party last Sunday, our 17-month-old started throwing up. It was his first time. It broke my heart, partly because by the time I heard him, he'd already thrown up all over our bed. I'm almost always right next to him when he sleeps so what are the odds?? He must have been so confused. I was so sad.

I braced myself for the heart racing, the sweating, the knot in the stomach. Mine, not his. But he slept almost the entire time, was consoled just being next to me, wasn't feverish and by 3am, was able to nurse again and settle down for the night.

Grace. In any "it could have been worse" scenario, all I see is grace. God comforted him and comforted me. I held it together and was grateful the entire time for the grace in the moment. Our older son slept through it, my husband was there to wash the sheets and towels and hold the baby while I changed and I was able to catch up on my DVR'd shows from the futon in the guest room. For what it was, it was a best-case scenario. I've come to see that as grace.

Three days later, it was my turn, though my body handled it differently. I was on the couch most of the day but was still able to take care of the boys and even do some dishes. The boys played, the discomfort was tolerable and I was able to eat normally by that evening. Grace. No anxiety, either, which was just more grace.

This is why now, when I think I might be coming down with something or I wonder if the boys were exposed to a bug and my mind starts to wander to the "what ifs," I quickly change my line of thinking, thank God that we are well in that moment and move on. I don't want to waste a moment of my life on "what ifs" and even when we were sick, there was still so much to be grateful for.

Moving on!! :) This is why we opted to GET OUT this weekend and take a trip to the high desert for some nature and family time. It was just what we needed and it could not have gone more smoothly.

113:: Picnic by the lake



114:: Escaping with my boys



115:: fearlessly feeding feeding the ducks and geese (and saying "duck!" in wonder the whole time, like, "They're real!!")



116:: sons with their daddy



117:: playing in Lynx Creek while Daddy pans for gold



118:: making memories



119:: still needing Mama's help (every once in a while)



120:: not needing Mama's help



121:: beautiful sky on the way home



122:: the best kind of tired



Read more at Holy Experience

Seeing Him in the Sky

Into every life a little rain must fall. The Bible promises that we will know trouble.



My storm of fear and anxiety raged off and on for almost two years. Sometimes the rain fell in a gentle sprinkle, sometimes there was heat lightening but no rain and other times the rain fell and fell and I wondered if it would ever end.

It's so easy to focus on the darkness, the rushing water, the sound of hail pelting the windows, the howling wind...and be afraid.

But in Arizona, storms never last long.

Even the worst storms in my life have been mercifully short.

And eventually the storm passed. Suddenly, not very long ago, I realized that the rain had stopped falling.

That storm is over. The sun finally came out again. I am in a new season, a season of gratitude, rest and reflection. I'm in the rainbow phase.

When my husband returned from work yesterday and pushed open the front door, there was a peachy tint to the sky that I recognized. It was a rainbow sky. I pushed passed him, barefoot, camera in hand. I got to the end of the driveway and looked up and there was a rainbow, arching directly over our street.



God's promise of a new beginning, displayed across the sky in technicolor.



Had I not been paying attention, I'd have missed it entirely.



My stormy phase taught me a lot about fear, trusting the Lord, getting to the end of myself, priorities and much, much more. I am grateful.

Now I am grateful that I am enjoying this new phase, as a new creation.

Now I can appreciate {and even enjoy} the storms...and the rainbows that come after.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV): "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

To see how others see Him, visit Holy Experience

This Day

Now more than ever, I appreciate "normal days." Normal is so, so wonderful and never to be taken for granted. When I feel well, everything flows smoothly, I'm home with my healthy kids all day and there are no crises, that's not just normal, that's a MIRACLE.

Focusing on living each day in God's grace (not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future) is also an excellent anxiety-preventer.

Here are some of my favorite quotes about "this day:"

"Nothing is more important than this day." -Goethe {the quote on the front of my gratitude journal)

"Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve." (NKJV) Joshua 24:15

"This is the day that the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." (NKJV) Psalm 118:24

Today has been an amazing, blessed, one-of-a-kind day. Thank You, Lord, for normal days. May I always see them for the miracle that they are.

{I'm always adding to my list...do you have any favorites??}

Beginning my list of 1,000 Gifts

I've been reflecting lately on my struggle with anxiety and fear over the last two years. I hadn't had "an episode" for a while....until two nights ago.

"I'm not over this yet," I told myself in the midst of my chest tightening and my body shaking. "God is still working on me."

And I turned to one of my favorite tactics for getting the anxiety under control: thankfulness. The only thing that worked that night was laying in bed and focusing on what I'm thankful for. My thankfulness turned to prayer and before I knew it, I had drifted to sleep.

I feel that I am a grateful person by nature. I have written thank you notes to people since I learned how to write. I go out of my way to thank people for taking care of my kids at church, for their service, for thinking of me or just for being someone who blesses my heart. I keep a journal where I list what I'm thankful for before I go to bed at night. I often drift to sleep thinking about everything I have to be thankful for.

But it's a work in progress.

I've been following Holy Experience for a while now and have considered joining the Gratitude Community and beginning my official list of 1,000 gifts.

Realizing that God is still working on me with the anxiety issue, I thought I still need to be intentional about preventing the anxiety in the first place, including living in a place of constant gratitude.

So I'm finally taking the plunge.

1:: my fourth annual leadership retreat

2:: being inspired by amazing women of God



3:: being cold in August

4:: fuzzy pink socks that smell like peppermint

5:: being given a new book

6:: new insights from The Book

7:: sleeping alone

8:: giving a devotional about shoes

9:: walking by faith

10:: anxiety returning and the reminder that I still have growing to do

11:: knowing my boys are left in great hands when I'm gone



12:: finding perfect peace by resting in Him

13:: repentance and healing

14:: chamomile tea

15:: coming home to a clean house

16:: sleeping with my baby and my hubby

17:: re-connecting with an old friend

18:: my milkaholic baby

19:: my huge 4.75-year-old

20:: M&M cookies

Read all about the art of Joy Finding
here

Peace Part 1: "The Method"

{INTRODUCTION: In May 2008, I suffered a miscarriage, which was the beginning of a season of fear for me that lasted for about two years. For four months of that time (March '09 to July '09, during the end of a pregnancy and postpartum), I battled feelings (and physical symptoms) of anxiety and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. My husband wisely advised me to embrace that season to learn about PEACE and now, two years later, I am a very different person as a result. I promised God I'd share my story so here I am.}

PART 1: "The Method"

We're selling our home. We love our home and we don't really know where we are going from here. I could easily (and justifiably) get stressed, worried and anxious about the moving process, where we'll go next, where we'll end up and all the details involved in each step....but I refuse.

Being a former anxiety sufferer, the #1 thing I do now to prevent it from sneaking back up on me is focusing on the here and now and taking life one day at a time.

In one day, however, a million things can try to pop up on my stress radar. Is he judging us for short saling our house? Is she offended that I postponed our play date again? What if our closing costs are more than we planned for? What if I get pregnant again? What am I going to do if we move far away from all of our friends then the kids get sick then I get sick....who can I call??....and on and on and on.

Pop, pop, pop. Blips on my stress radar, blinking red.

What do I do? I already posted about
my tendency to run everywhere but to Him.

But I have discovered a method for when stress starts to rear her ugly head. The solution comes from Philippians 4:6-7 which says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (NKJV)

Peace doesn't come automatically. There's a process for getting to a place of peace. These verses suggest a method.

1. "Be anxious for nothing." NO-thing. Even if it's something minor, if I'm feeling anxious about it, it's something. And a lot of little somethings add up to a LOT. If it's a blip on the radar, it counts.

2. "In everything by prayer and supplication...let your requests be known to God." Supplicating just means praying, or asking God for something. All the "things" above? Big or small, life-altering or seemingly insignificant, I talk to God about them. EVERY-thing.

There's a lot to this concept but I often think about the idea of asking God for peace in the storm rather than asking Him to end the storm. I ask Him to help me handle what is going on, to give me wisdom to work through whatever I'm dealing with or to bring resources my way. Sometimes I just ask Him to be present.

3. "...with thanksgiving..." was nestled into that verse, too. This is very important!

Psalm 100:4 says "Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name."

In other words, when I approach God, He'd like to hear some praise before I start firing off my requests. It's the "Gosh, Mom, you sure look pretty today. Can I have twenty bucks?" tactic.

Besides God wanting to hear me proclaim how good He is (and rightly so), there's another important component to this: when I start with thanksgiving, it gets my heart and my focus into the right place.

My requests change when I "get into a place of thankfulness" first.

At the height of my anxiety, when I was feeling especially off-kilter, my husband would instruct me (ok, force me) to go somewhere quiet and "get into a place of thankfulness." It made a world of difference for me. I just started naming everything I could think of to be thankful for and before long, I was smiling and feeling hopeful again and, oh, look at that--my heart and mind aren't racing any more!

Besides running down the list of things in my life that I was grateful for, I would also thank Him for the very thing that was causing me the stress because I knew He was working it out in my favor.

Romans 8:28 (NKJV) "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

And once we've been thankful and have made our requests, and no-thing is on our radar anymore....

4. THEN..."and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." I'm so peaceful, I can't even comprehend it or explain it! It's when we say to people, "I should be stressed but I feel so at peace." That's the peace of God that surpasses understanding and there's nothing like it.

Peace isn't automatic but God offers His method to bring us into a place of HIS inexplicable peace. And there's no better place to be.

Lesson from the orchard

It's been two years.

Two full calendar years since I got a spiritual wake-up call. I knew God was asking me to change. One of the themes was "Figure out what you're afraid of and get past it."

Me? Afraid?

I wonder now...how can a person be scared out of their mind and not even know it?

That night, fearful thoughts clung to me like early-morning mist to a marsh.



I couldn't shake it. For the first time in my life, I felt fearful and scared for no good reason. I would have the "fight or flight" feeling come over me at the most odd times, when nothing scary was even happening. I could feel my heart race and my hands and feet flare up with sweat.

I didn't know it at the time but God was coming toward me holding a gigantic pair of pruning shears. At first, it looked ominous and threatening.

Little by little, I started confronting the feelings I was having. I looked my fear in the face. I stopped pushing away the fearful urgings and started asking, "Where is this coming from?"

I knew God wanted me to "go there," even though I didn't know where "there" was.

It was ugly.

My parents wouldn't love me if they knew the real me. If life ever got really difficult, I would walk away from God. My death would be a horrible experience, because that's what I deserve for what I've done.

The fear went even deeper than that. The lies went even deeper than that.

You are weak. Your faith is weak. You don't deserve anything good in life until you are perfect. The work Jesus did wasn't enough. God chose you and He can unchoose you.

I was even afraid to open my Bible, for fear that I would read about something terrible that God did to someone else, that would fuel my fear of what He was going to do to me.

The enemy knows where we are weak and he is relentless. But God is even more relentless.

Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."

So we set about pruning the lies away, one by one. Snip, snip, snip.



Sometimes the lies came in a tidy little set. Other times, one would come out of nowhere and nearly take me down, back into the pit of despair. But I was learning to identify the lies and confront them.

I was being pruned. And it hurt.

Eventually, I saw God's pruning for the loving, tender guesture that it was. "Let's get rid of this ugly, gnarled thing...so something beatuiful can grow in its place."



The new growth is so lovely, so healthy.



Two years ago, I was too sick to attend an event called "Dinner Down the Orchard" with my mom, where you eat a gourmet meal cooked by a local chef in a peach orchard.

This year, I got to go.

The owner of the farm pointed out that the tress are only about six feet tall because they are a pick-your-own peach farm. He said that they trim the tops of the trees to prevent them from growing any taller than a person can reach.



But there was another reason they cut the tops off: to allow light to shine in the inner parts of the tree, too, instead of just the outside.

It hit me. That's what God did two years ago. He hacked me off, in what might have seemed like a vicious act...to let His light shine on even my darkest parts.



His light is amazing.

I am grateful for the pruning and for the new growth.



And I am grateful that this past weekend, my mother and I got to celebrate.



I still fight the fear, almost every day. But I am so much stronger now.

Gaining victory over the fear tastes sweet. Just as sweet as this peach cobbler that was the perfect end to the perfect celebration.



Thank you, Lord, for the freedom that comes from becoming more like Your Son.

John 8:32: "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."

Easter re-cap & freedom

I hope you all had a wonderful Easter weekend!!

We headed to my folks' house across town, after not having been there for over a month (A new record).

Andrew hunted for eggs.





And enjoyed munching on the candy inside.



We had a lovely meal of steak, mashed potatoes and salad.



And the traditional elements, of course: deviled eggs & olives, and a lemon Bundt cake with jelly beans.



Andrew had to take a dip in the 69-degree pool! Brr!



And here is our family by the pool.



A kiss from my hubby!



Me, largely pregnant, relaxing.



36 weeks/9 months and feeling every bit of it!



Andrew watering the vegetable garden.



It was a lovely Resurrection Day and so nice to be able to show up and enjoy without doing any of the work! Drew even took a nap! Thanks, Mom and Dad!! :)



and now on to the FREEDOM part.

What a perfect weekend to experience true freedom in Christ!!

After my bout with anxiety about two weeks ago, I've really been focusing on God's PEACE. I believe we're going to be on this peace theme for a while and although I feel I've already come a long way, I also feel that God has a lot more work to do with me on peace. I'm open to whatever He is trying to show me and whatever He has for me to walk through, to get me where He wants me to be. Last night, we made a lot of progress.

Although I've been able to keep the anxiety under control with a lot of "renewing my mind" and daily time with the Lord (reading, journaling and praying), my thoughts would still turn to worry--mostly about future things that have no bearing on my everyday life. They were decidedly UNpeaceful thoughts and rather vague...even borderline ridiculous. So of course I knew they weren't from God.

On the way home from my folks' house last night (Easter Sunday), my hubby and I were talking about it. I said, "There's still something lurking there {a worry in the back of my mind} and I think the enemy will continue to torment me with it until I confront it."

I finally pinpointed it, praise Jesus. Or God revealed it to me, I should say. I wasn't worried about going through 'X' experience or having to deal with 'Y' happening to my family or the world turning into 'Z'...I was worried about going through them alone. As in, God not being there. As in, coping and surviving by myself, apart from God. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I believed that God wouldn't be there in my darkest moments, or that He wouldn't be enough for me.

I confessed that sin--of believing the lie that God wouldn't be there or would leave me or wasn't enough, etc. and embraced His truth that He will never leave me nor forsake me! He is always with me...and He is enough!

But.

But I knew there was still a teeny tiny little lie still there. I talked it through, telling my husband that I couldn't quite identify it...then BAM! God brought it to my mind. Even beyond the thoughts about God leaving me, or not being enough...the deeper, darker aspect of that worry was that I was afraid that I would abandon God. The enemy wanted me to believe that when times got tough, even if God was there and was enough...I'd be the one to to bail. That it was all up to me and I would choose my own way, or would decide I couldn't do it or couldn't bear it. I...would leave God. Then I really would be alone, see? The enemy was covering all the bases, saying, "Times are going to be tough. God won't be enough to see you through. God will abandon you! God can't help you! And even if He could...YOU will be the one to give up and bail out, and then you'll really be alone."

Talk about hopeless, huh? Isn't that just like him to say? What a terrible entrapment, a horrible lie, an awful snare! And the enemy sure had me for a while. Well, for 31 years, actually.

Until I confessed the sin of that belief, too, along with the one that many of us may struggle with, which is "What if it isn't real?" Wrapped up in the idea of God leaving me, or me being able to 'lose' Him, is the idea that all this Christian stuff is a big farce to begin with. Or more precisely, that it's a nice idea and a pretty good option for living your life--but that God isn't powerful enough to grab hold of us and hang on and even if He is, we can still let go and lose it all on a whim!!! That is one huge lie to let go of!

I have studied God's sovereignty. I love the principles I've learned about God's sovereignty! And now I can re-visit it all and apply it in freedom and in peace, without this "cloud of doom" hanging over it. I am so excited!!

I feel like I've had a breakthrough and like the enemy has LOST this stronghold on my life. What a perfect weekend for it, too!

Along the same idea is another thing I've struggled with through my Christian walk, which is "Why me, God??" Why do what You did, why send Your son, why redeem us?? and it all comes down to LOVE. That is, after all, what kept Jesus on the cross and what raised him up again! In the midst of the busyness of life, when I think, "What am I DOING, Lord?? What are any of us doing??" I have to remind myself: It's all about love!

Angie says it so well in this post, I encourage you to check it out.

Bring The Rain

Thanks for reading! I pray somehow that God will use this breakthrough He led me through to bless your day, or better yet--to draw you closer to HIM!

P.S. I'll be posting more about God's peace and sovereignty as I continue on this journey! Stay tuned!